You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
