Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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