And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
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I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"