listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
