and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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