Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
