I think I died a long time ago.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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