i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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