just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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