mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
