I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
