I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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