I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
