After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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