i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
