my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
