Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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