literally had 100 drinks last night.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
