The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
