Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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