Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
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Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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