I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
