ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
