sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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