He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
