There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.