I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...