I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
