pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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