I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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