Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
