Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
