i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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