Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
