it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
