from now on my penis is your penis
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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