I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
