why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
