I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
