i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
