this beer tastes like vomit already
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
