I puked a lego.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
