I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
