please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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