I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?