Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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