so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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