my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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