good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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