People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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