hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
