hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
