How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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