have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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