My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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