i may or may not be watching the land before time
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
