Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
