I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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